some one just sent me that at an okay time, but i know i’ll appreciate it more later.

Last night I went to Witches Brew and got the most beautiful tea. It was a light green tea with jasmine buds that blossomed as your tea steeped. Twas delish and a nice evening. I let my rabbit hop around outside for most of the day, as I kicked ass at school and “fought” with my grandmother. I got a little upset with things she said to me, so I took a nap. I was awaken by a phone call from my stepmother to come outside. And well… I HAVE A JOB. Know what it is? Fucking working in a pastry kitchen with some incredible New York chefs just helping out, baking, and AHHH. I’m so excited, but I don’t start till September 15th, when their busy season starts. I totally get to wear chef clothes and aprons and use real kitchen equipment. I guess plans for moving elsewhere are off, because this is so much greater.

I’m sorry

Well it’s over. He’s moved on, so I should be too. I’ve been trying, but I can’t seem to do it. I started to, then that blew away. Every thing blows away, and my back hurts really bad. I cooked an amazing dinner tonight, so I guess I’m feeling okay even though today was heart-breaking and lousy.

mmm

I should be getting a muffin,

right about now but I’m too lazy. Montauk was alright, except for sunburn and sand burns from boogie boarding. Every one got along and I declared that I was never having children. I came home earlier than every one else, on that rather delightful yet sort of dreadful 3+ hour train ride. Jen picked me up, we puttered around stores, and did nothing. We made some tasty grapefruit + tangerine + vodka drinks. She got a baby sitter for Indie, and we decide to head into the city. They never checked our tickets on the LIRR, so now I have a free ticket. Mmm. She went one way, and I embarked on a long, long journey to Brooklyn with an upset tummy. I got to Sutter Ave. and Jason picked me up. We went back to his house, and well… I was impressed. He didn’t lie when he said he ran a t-shirt company. His studio was awesome, along with his shirts and blah blah blah. We bullshitted for a few hours in front of his fish tank, and then attempted to watch a documentary about Patty Hearst. That didn’t work and we got tired of watching this trailer for a parrot documentary, so we settled on Uncle Buck. Now I have watched Uncle Buck more times than I can count off my fingers, and with and under many various conditions and what not. This was the best time yet. I don’t think I ever laughed that much before, nor made fun of any thing that much. We made jokes on every thing, bullshitted some more, blah blah blah, and went to bed. He gave me a ride home, and that leaves me here feeling really dirty. Like filthy dirty, not like sexually dirty. Any ways, he might help me make some shirts and get my shit out there. It was pretty exciting to think like that. I think later today I’ll post a blog of drawings, as long as I feel like dragging out my scanner.

this was pretty pointless, but i guess i needed a reason to post this:

I seriously hate when i see those like search results of people who come on my blog. Like “dry grape ginger ale” and new jersey. Who looks for those? It makes me nervous that it’s my mom or some thing. I’m hanging out a window practically and it’s thunderstormin’ out hither. This isn’t the least bit suicidal…

an abyss of confusion

That’s my current state, simple as that. But really it’s not so simple. So here I am… 18 years young, was in a long distance relationship for almost two years, living in New York, wanting way too many things (material and not), wishing to travel every where, and well just doing great and fun things. The boy I was with, Robert, is a year or so younger than me and is crazy in love with me. Problem is we had plans for me to move there this upcoming September, but I don’t really believe it is what I want any more. I don’t have the money too, and I don’t think I want to feel tied down in yet another house or be settling with some one I am always up and down with. I don’t know if I still love him, and I am currently trying to battle my awful habit of pleasing every one around me and letting myself feel like shit always. Frankly, I wish I were the type of person that does what ever the fuck they want. For instance… my very missed friend Bill packed up a minimal amount of things, left his job and New York life behind, and journeyed to Mexico. As a result, I don’t believe he is ever coming back. But hell! Why can’t I do some thing like that? Why am I constantly letting every one else make MY decisions? And if I don’t oblige to every one’s barking orders, I’ll feel like utter shit. I must must must do what every one else wants. BUT FUCK IT. I just want to live my own fucking life before I become a mass murderer and kill all the cunts around me. Let me fucking move to Philly, Baltimore, or even stay in New York. Go to art school, pastry/baking school, whatever. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I WANT, so just back the fuck off. It’s so hard to figure out what you want out of life when some one is always up your ass telling you how much they love you and miss you and can’t wait for you to live there. Every time… every single fucking time, I’m just like STOP! (suicidal thought). I don’t know if I want that and you’re making me nervous, uncomfortable, and turning me off like the idea is equivalent to watching some one’s eyeballs, fingernails, intestines, etc. all get ripped out slowly and then licked dry (I hate tongues, btw). I just want my own brain, my own life, and to feel OKAY. I’m not asking to feel great, sad, angry, happy… just okay. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what I want, but fuckin’ eh! I want to be excited to have the opportunity of figuring out. IT’S LIFE and I like excitement.

On a happier note, I did have a nice day. Strolled around Central Park with Cotter, eating muffins, and throwing rocks at people from a higher distance. We conquered some rain, but I was dreadfully defeated by three wonderful blisters. I haven’t seen him since like December? I forgot how mighty handsome he was! hah. Probably as handsome as green tea and/or dry grape ginger ale. Oh how tasty, tasty. I watched most of the opening ceremony of the Olympics, and personally I thought it was beautiful and great. Them Asians are definitely not human though. I don’t see how it is humanly possible to do the shit they do. Twas astounding, very very very astounding. BRAVO BEIJING! Well done, especially that torch lighting shin dig. That was nuts! I’m so exhausted, and my piggies hurt.

no way in hell,

Please come and eat all the Hampton yuppies while I’m there next week. Just please!

What do you think it is though?
I think the government does more than just helping diseased animals on their restricted island, but it should be turned into a b-movie. I think I might e-mail Lloyd Kaufman since he is looking for new scripts for a new troma film!

a terrible weekend explanation

Friday began the adventure and welcomed me with two glasses of white wine. I bullshitted with Kelley for a few hours, and didn’t do much more than that. Well I mean I drank some, smoked some, displayed my GREAT rap skills while rolling on a bed in the only air conditioned room in the house. Four of us slept on the same bed, and I, unfortunately, got caressed by Kelley’s rancid smelling armpit most of the night… so I moved to couch. Frankly, this is the most comfortable couch my body has ever been graced with. I don’t understand how every body hates it. So we filled up bags with beer cans and pizza boxes and god knows what else. Swept the floors, washed dishes, made shit sparkle! Later four of us drank a handle of vodka in under two hours. Kelley spent most of her evening not being able to walk, telling us she was dying, and barfing all over the back yard. I once again shared my rap skills, fell off of a chair and face planted the hardwood floors, and I really am not sure what else. I know around 5 am, I started a tangent about every know bullshit topic and lasted until 6:30 am when I don’t remember falling asleep. We were suppose to head to New York at 7:30, but we didn’t get out until 9:30.

I fell right asleep on the bus, and woke up when we passed Elizabeth’s Ikea right by exit 13. It was strange to be back in New York, but not home, after a month of not stepping foot in the state. We took the subway to Union Square, walked down to St Marks, and spent our last dollar on pizza. We walked over to the park to see if any thing was going on yet, but nothin’. There weren’t many cops, and they weren’t checking bags as rumors acclaimed. I ran into Kevin, the Zionist Jew, again. We talked about ephemera and filled up a collection of a water bottles. On the way we gave panting pups some water. A really great folk-esque band played while every thing was setting up. They consisted of a banjo, harmonica/ acoustic guitar, accordion, and a violin. Every one loved it and danced around them. Then we met up with Brett, Noodle, and Cindy, and really did nothing. I made up a song while slapping my knees, and whistled through grass. Later I watched a little bit of Team Spider, and was graced? to see some one burn an upside down American flag. Me and Kelley quickly turned to each other and made a “punx” joke. Then it was nothing, nothing, nothing. Ohhhhh then it was Leftover Crack. It was such a great time, regardless of getting elbowed so hard in my stomach and suffering from that the rest of the day. Randomly, this kid breaks through the crowd and introduces himself to Kelley and I by saying, “Hi, I’m so fucking high right now. I can’t handle that mess.” He was a lot of fun in the end, and we all sung and danced through the rest of the set. They finished off with Born to Die, and Crack Rock Steady which was the best way to end off a long day. OR WAS IT? Shortly after, while an incredible brass band played during a drum jam, they threw free money at us!?!?! And you know what…. I was too into dancing to swing music to even bother. Brett caught twelve bucks in the mess of people, money, and some more money that was being burned. We helped clean up some glass and trash and wandered around for a bit. We sat on the side of a gated church with a Brett, Noodle, Ryan, Tyree, and Cindy. Ryan looks at me and in the loudest, most NY accent yells asking me if I am thirsty. The result… a very, very strong vodka and cranberry. We smoked a bowl or two before the guy came out and told us he was closing every thing up. I stood up and well was a little TOO tipsy. I ended up peeing on a ledge behind a tree, and getting a piss splash up all over mine and Kelley’s legs. I really didn’t care considering at this point I hadn’t showered in almost four days. We wandered, yet again, through the city. From what I was told I ran into a telephone booth and gave it a “what the fuck are you doing there” face, and slammed my head down on a McDonald’s table. I stumbled every where, so did Cindy, and shortly after we went to crash at Brett’s. It was a rather cute and cozy apartment for being in the Spanish Harlem. He busted out a gravity bong and his bowl. I was deathly afraid of the gravity bong, so I stuck to smoking roughly five or seven bowls with Kelley. There after I don’t remember any thing except for playing a game on Brett’s touch Ipod. It was that game where you can’t let the ball fall in the holes, but there aren’t any controls and you actually move the Ipod itself to make the ball roll. It was a pretty intense game under the circumstances. I woke up on a great sofa bed with the comfiest blanket wrapped around me. Brett comes out and looks at us and just goes…”You guys were so fucked up last night.” Isn’t that lovely? So I just replied with a “good morning sunshine!” He cooked us a little breakfast (which was our first close-to-actual meal since a few days before that), and we smoked a little more. (This weekend, looking back and writing all of this, is making me feel like I’m pathetic or some thing negative of that nature, but eh! at least I’ll remember all of this in months to come). Kelley and I left for the bus back to Philly at around 2:15 on Monday. We hadn’t showered since Friday (Kelley hadn’t since Thursday), had no money to spend, were hungry again, and didn’t know where we were going. We took the 6 to Brooklyn Bridge, and walked from there to the Manhattan Bridge. We bummed cigarettes all day and were thankful for the rarely ever found water fountains. Kelley stole a water bottle (also some thing we thought may of been chocolate cake and ended up being some thing that we couldn’t even figure out), and I happily trash picked a thing of french fries. We smelt so awful, felt so awful, but were so satisfied with the mini-adventure we had had. We got on the bus at five and made it to the 30th street station (where we shared a great cigarette with a meth head) by 7:30, and back to NJ by 9:30pm. It was a horrendous day of traveling and I left some of my junk at Sara’s so I didn’t even bother going back to get it. When I got into my mom mom’s house, my mum didn’t hesitate to tell me to go shower. I showered, ate some pudding, and slept wonderfully.

So it was a great weekend and a great celebration of the 20th anniversary of the Tompkins Police Riots. Simply satisfied with it all and can now look forward to next weekend. Friday I’m spending the day with Cotter and probably seeing Michael Jordan at the Cakeshop right afterwards, and Saturday is the Big She-bang thinger at ABC No Rio. Carnal Knowledge is playing, along with a Bikini Kill cover band and lots of public speaking and art shit. Then Sunday starts the ever so dreaded family vacation to Montauk. Any ways I’ll leave with this….

“i flicked my bean
in needle park
i did it twice
and it was nice
i watched an old man
behind a tree
as he sneezed
right on his knees
i’m never clean
i’m always dirty.”

I don’t really remember the rest of the lyrics we made up, but my knees hurt from slapping them. I also just found out that it was $1000 that was thrown at us. Hhaahahaha and a bunch of you angsty kids burnt it!

a fat bag of bones

I recently recalled this time I went bowling with two co-workers and the one, Kathy, decided to put my name as twigs. I’ve always been made fun of for how “teeny tiny” I am, but how come I always feel/felt the opposite? So many days of fasting, eating one too many laxatives to were I’m rolling on the floor crying, hovering over the toilet daring myself to vomit, restricting to 600 calories a day and walking a minimum of four miles. Was that the least bit destructive? I’m almost sadly addicted this newish UK show called ‘Super skinny vs Super size.” Two people, one extremely underweight and the other extremely overweight, stay in a food clinic and swap diets for four days. In the beginning they state how many stones they are and compare and contrast body measures. Then they go into a room with these tubes from the ceiling that shoot down the food that each person consumes in a week. It’s astounding to see the difference, and rather repulsive. The show it self made me reconsider what I was doing to my body. With out all this stress of my father and school, I’ve been taking better care of myself. I may of just hit 100 pounds (when my mind is still screaming to be lower), but I see that I no longer get bloated and in fact I almost look slimmer. They always take the skinny minny into a private room and tell them what can actually happen to them. It’s seriously gave me a shock. I once thought I was a partial health-nut, but I guess the patterns I have similar to these folks… Well I won’t have hair, nails, or bones any more. I will have lots of wrinkles, acne, and age increasingly faster through the years. I think that is about as repulsive as being fat, I’m sorry. So all in all, my new eating patterns are essentially good. A nice breakfast with coffee, fruit, maybe a sandwich, veggies and fish usually for dinner, and lately I’ve been splurging on creme brulee (only because I finally bought a kitchen torch). I’ve realized it’s okay to eat well portions frequently. It’s a nice new… I guess thing.

Aside from all that I’m going to Philly tomorrow until Sunday. Sunday we’re all hopping onto the Chinatown bus (since we are indeed cheap bastards) to head to New York, to go to Tompkins Square Park for the show. Oh it’ll be an exciting weekend! Very very very exciting! Coming home Monday to go back to New York a day or two later. Going on a picnic date with Cotter, then off to Montauk for family vacation with my dad.

I suppose this is nothing exciting, but I’ll be back Monday hopefully packed full of stories!

I’ll tell you

that I feel like dying.